So begins Adele’s week 4 community service project.

I explained to Adele that we were going to visit women and children in a local shelter.  Our goal was to donate items to their pantry and meet with the residents.  As Adele and I set off to the grocery store, I explained that we want to donate healthy foods (fruits, veggies, etc).  It was her “job” to pick out the items we would donate.  She took her responsibility very seriously until we hit the gummy aisle – what can I say, I caved.

When we entered the building, Meagan, my sister in law was one of our tour guides. Meagan works with the organization to raise funds that enable them to take in more families. What a worthy job….

One sweet little girl offered to show us her room. When we walked in, there were 2 bunk beds. I asked her where she slept.  She told me she and her mom slept in this bed (pointing to the twin sized bottom bunk bed). A t first I thought it was the lack of bed availability, but then realized it was not out of necessity: rather comfort and safety for each other.

Adele and I played with the kids on the playground for a bit.    They were cool kids with big personalities. The great thing about young kids is that they don’t ”judge” others. It’s always interesting to see how easy it is for kids to play with each other…even if they only met a few minutes prior.

During my conversations with Adele before and after our visit she asked a lot of questions: can they come live with us;  do the kids go to school;  will they be there forever? My response:  unfortunately no, we don’t have enough room; yes they go to school; no – I’m confident these families are moving on to amazing things, including a home of their own.

Melinda F.

Being featured on Groupon.com is a big deal! It’s a great opportunity to share our mission and raise awareness of intimate partner violence with a wide audience in Atlanta and Athens. Best of all, your gift of $10 (or more) will directly benefit our 2 safe houses.

100% of your donations will go to PADV as long as the “deal” gets “tipped”. That means, when at least 50 people contribute to the campaign, PADV is funded to help more survivors!

We need YOU to make this a successful campaign!

• First, subscribe to Groupon (http://www.groupon.com/subscriptions/new) in Atlanta or Athens BEFORE July 12th.
• Then, check the daily Groupon email on July 12th to view our campaign. You can find it along the right-hand side of the main deal under Today’s Featured Campaign.
• Finally, and most importantly, support the campaign with a pledge of $10.

Spread the love!

• On Facebook, share this link: http://bit.ly/pp8k0Q
• On Twitter, copy and tweet this message: Help @PADVAtlanta provide safe housing for families in crisis via @GrouponAtlanta. #DomesticViolence #GTeam http://bit.ly/pp8k0Q

“I was spit on” and “she stalked me” are not statements one typically expects or wants to hear from teenagers discussing their dating life. However, this video demonstrates the dark reality of dating abuse amongst teenagers and its many forms beyond physical abuse. Teen dating violence can be physical, but it often includes threats, harassing text messaging, insults, isolation from family and friends, sexual abuse, name-calling, emotional abuse and controlling a partner’s behavior and appearance. Further, it can happen to anyone, at any age, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, level of education or economic background.

This public service announcement (PSA) won the Let Your Heart Rule PSA contest hosted by Break the Cycle and Verizon Wireless’ HopeLine®. Thank you Lehman High School in Bronx, N.Y. and all the other entrants for taking action against teen dating violence through their imaginative, impactful videos! Check out the winning video above, especially if you missed its premier on Dr. Phil.

 “Well,no,I mean…” I stammered.  “No,it’s not whether or not I’ve been abused,but the fact that I’m a woman.  I think many women are able to deeply understand the injustices in abusive relationships because we’ve experienced smaller tastes of the same injustice on some level in our own relationships.”  What an “Aha!” moment that was for both of us and one that led to a fruitful discussion.

You see,the thing about patriarchy (broadly defined as control by men of a disproportionately large share of power) is that it does play a role in many women’s lives and relationships.  For instance, many women are in relationships with men who, while they would deny such an accusation, are undoubtedly taking steps to control their partner.  Often, this may masquerade as “taking care of us” and/or “protecting us from harm.”  Other times, it’s more obvious, as when our partner tells us we are a bad wife or girlfriend, and that we should be happy he hasn’t cheated or found someone better.  Most women, I would argue, wouldn’t label these actions as abusive, though many of us might characterize them as warning signs and/or clear ringers that the relationship is not a healthy one.

This is not to say that all men are abusive.  I want to be clear that most men are not.  What most men are taught though is that they should be in control, on some level, of their intimate partner and that this is normal and expected.  It is time that we see the way in which such a belief contributes to a culture where abusive men, despite being the minority, feel they are supported and justified in their actions.

Teaching our youth about healthy relationships and gender-role stereotypes is crucial.  This can be done through modeling healthy relationships for your child as well as having them participate in discussions about what abuse is,warning signs of an abusive relationship,and where to get help.  These are all important topics.  But educating youth about healthy relationships also means tackling some of the stickier issues- like patriarchy- and looking at some of the deeper beliefs in our society about how men and women in relationships “ought” to behave. 

In the support group I help facilitate,one of my favorite sessions is “Change Starts at Home,” because it talks about concrete steps parents can take to ensure that they are providing regular doses of “healthy relationship input” to their children.  This means analyzing gender roles with children and talking about the ways in which patriarchy affects all of us- men and women- in society.   Not until we do this with our children,and not until YOU do this with YOUR children,can we expect to begin to see the deep,societal change and cultural shift that will ultimately end violence against women and make society a safer place for all of us. 

If you’d like guidance on how to start this conversation with your child,or on how to bring this conversation to your child’s school or youth group,please reach out to our Teen Prevention program here at PADV and we’ll be more than happy to help. Ending the crime of intimate partner violence is PADV’s mission,but it undoubtedly begins with you and me.

Best,

Alyse L.

Children are often left out of discussions about intimate partner violence if they are not targets of abuse. Why is it harmful for children to witness domestic violence? 

Witnessing domestic violence can mean seeing actual incidents of physical and/or sexual abuse. It can mean hearing threats or fighting noises from another room. It can also mean observing the aftermath of it all, such as blood, bruises, tears, torn clothing, and broken items.

Witnessing intimate partner violence is the single best predictor of juvenile delinquency and adult criminality. It can also have potential emotional, behavioral and physical effects.

What are some of these potential emotional, behavioral and physical effects of domestic violence on children?

Children who are exposed to domestic violence become fearful and anxious over time. They never know what will trigger the abuse, and, therefore, never feel safe. They are always worried for themselves, their mother, and sibling(s).

The emotional effects of children who witness domestic violence may include fear, guilt, shame, sleep disturbances, sadness, depression, and anger (at both the abuser for the violence and at the mother for being unable to prevent the violence).

The behavioral and social effects of children who witness domestic violence may include acting out, withdrawal or anxiousness to please. The children may exhibit signs of anxiety and have a short attention span which may result in poor school performance and attendance. They may experience developmental delays in speech, motor or cognitive skills. They may also use violence to express themselves, displaying increased aggression with peers or mother.

Physical effects may include stomachaches, headaches, bedwetting and loss of ability to concentrate. Some children maybe even become injured while trying to intervene on behalf of their mother.

How often do children who witness family violence grow up to be victims/abusers?

Children who witness abuse may have a higher risk of becoming an abuser or victim of abuse, but it does not mean that it will happen. Children raised in abusive homes learn that violence is an effective way to resolve conflicts and problems. They may replicate the violence they witnessed as children in their teen and adult relationships and parenting experiences. Boys who witness their mothers being abused are more likely to abuse their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. For girls, adolescence may result in the belief that threats and violence are the norm in relationships. None of the effects are permanent and may not have a negative outcome depending on how often the children witnessed abuse and if they received a safe place to talk and receive help.

Stay tuned for Part II of Q & A with Daaiyah to learn how she provides a sense of safety as Children’s Advocate at PADV’s Gwinnett Safe House. 

Brooklyn C.

* Whitfield, CL, Anda RF, Dube SR, Felittle VJ. 2003. Violent Childhood Experiences and the Risk of Intimate Partner Violence in Adults: Assessment in a Large Health Maintenance Organization. Journal of Interpersonal Violence.

Sketchworks answers questions after performance

I felt I was well informed on the issue of domestic violence in the workplace. I knew the statistics. I knew the facts. My eyes were opened, however, to the insidiousness of intimate partner violence as I watched Sketchworks’ performance of “If Only You Knew.” Here is a synopsis:

The scene opens with Jane’s plea, “John, please. I said I was sorry. Just come to bed. Jane’s husband is furiously ransacking the bedroom in search of something he has lost. “You do things just to piss me off, don’t you?” he asks. John is mad tonight because his steak wasn’t prepared the way he likes. The alarm clock reads 11:00 p.m. Jane needs to get up early in the morning for work.

John finds what he is looking for – his gun. He threateningly waves it in the air, accusing his wife of being “too busy with [her] ‘work’ to take care of [her] husband.” In his violent rage, John rips up an important stack of Jane’s work documents. The scene ends with Jane in tears, crumpled on the floor, picking up the tiny shreds of her project. It is, now, 4 in the morning.

The next morning, Jane is late for work. Again. In the break room, her coworkers complain about Jane’s frequent tardiness and poor work performance. Samantha, the project manager, notes, “Why does her husband have to drop her off and pick her up all the time? If getting a ride was making you late this much, wouldn’t you just drive yourself? …Doesn’t she seem more and more scattered, lately?”

Tom, a sympathetic coworker, defends her. “We all have a lot of stuff going on. Work, home, it’s hard to keep it all balanced. She’ll come around,” he explains.

But Samantha isn’t convinced, “I can’t help but think there’s something going on…”

Jane finally arrives unprepared for an important deadline. Remember, John destroyed her documents the night before. Jane devises a convincing cover story, but her company still loses a valuable account. The second scene closes as Jane bolts out of a meeting to take a call from her husband.

The third and final scene begins in the break room with a group of Jane’s coworkers. It’s 9:30, and, again, Jane is late. Tom confesses that Jane has confided a secret to him: She is being abused by her husband. “There is good news,” Tom says, “she’s leaving John.”

Samantha admits, “Honestly, I’ve suspected as much. I’ve been on the verge of asking her a dozen times… but I was wary of overstepping my bounds.” Another coworker is not as understanding, saying that she is fed up with Jane’s poor performance.

Just then, Tom’s phone rings. “It’s Jane,” he says, relieved.

The group anxiously awaits the end of Tom’s call to hear the news. “Let me guess, she’s not coming in today,” gripes a coworker.

“Ok, thank you,” Tom stumbles and hangs up, “That was the police. They found my number in her phone as the last number she dialed before…”

“Before what?” they ask.

“Before… she died,” Tom says, stunned. Shocked, they scan each others’ faces for answers, but there are none. The lights fade.

This story of the loss of one woman’s life at the hand of her abusive partner is fictional, but, sadly, it portrays the grim reality of domestic violence homicides. On average, more than 3 women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States.*

“If Only You Knew” was written and performed by Sketchworks, an original sketch comedy troupe, as part of an innovative training at PADV’s 10th annual “When Domestic Violence Goes to Work” conference on April 28, 2011.

Now, suppose for a moment, you were one of the Jane’s coworkers in this story? Would you have recognized the warning signs?

• Absenteeism
• Tardiness/leaving early
• Frequent personal phone calls
• Performance decline
• Unexplained injuries, bruises or markings
• Change in personality
• Withdraw from coworkers
• Inappropriate use of clothing or make-up, like wearing a long-sleeve turtleneck in summer

If you were unsure about how you and your coworkers/employees would respond to the above scenario, consider inviting PADV to provide a Domestic Violence in the Workplace training. Email us at info@padv.org to set up an appointment today.

To learn more about Sketchwork’s regular comedy shows and customized corporate productions, visit http://www.sketchworkscomedy.com/.

*Catalano, Shannan. 2007. Intimate Partner Violence in the United States. U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics.

Brooklyn C.

Marquez Gaskin has been working with PADV since November of 2010. He came on board as an intern for our volunteer program but supports many departments in his work with us. Marquez is passionate about two things: social advocacy and fashion. When interviewed for the position, he was asked what he felt the correlation is between fashion and serving survivors of intimate partner violence. Without skipping a beat, Marquez said, “Fashion is all about empowerment and PADV’s mission is to empower survivors. It doesn’t matter who you are, or what you’ve been through, you deserve to feel good!”

Marquez brings passion to all that he does. He has assisted in the execution of every PADV training and special event since he started, giving up many hours above and beyond his agreed-upon schedule. Marquez also spends many hours on the phone interviewing potential volunteers. At our March training session, many of the volunteers he first spoke with came up to him and acknowledged the warmth he exuded in his phone interviews. Marquez is often the first point of contact for our newest volunteers and he works hard to make sure they are comfortable and excited about working with PADV.

When asked what the highlight of his experience at PADV has been, Marquez said, “The support I have felt from the staff in my personal and professional growth means so much to me. I also see that the work PADV is doing is really helping the community.”

Marquez also shared that the best thing about being a part of PADV is that the agency “is really all about its mission. It is not just words on a piece of paper but an agency that really impacts people.”

- Susan L.

“The moment people are afraid to call police, society is less safe.”

As a community committed to ending intimate partner violence, many reading this blog feel a sense of urgency surrounding the fact that there are still many who are being forced to live their lives in the shadows.  What is even more difficult for many of us to accept is the fact that some are currently being pushed further into the shadows, and away from the light that hope provides, by current immigration laws and the fear that such laws are create in immigrant communities.

In the attached video, titled “Broken Trust,” advocates from the New Mexico-based domestic violence agency Enlace make the compelling argument that as the enforcement of federal immigration laws is increasingly placed in the hands of local law officers, fewer immigrant survivors of domestic violence are coming forward to report the violence and seek life-saving services.  Anecdotally, I must tell you this is extremely in-line with what we frontline workers are seeing and is what leads me to write this blog post today.

At PADV I help facilitate one of PADV’s Spanish-language support groups for survivors, many of which are currently in the process of leaving their abusers.  It is near-impossible to make it through a support group session without one or several of these courageous women describing how terrified they are- not just of their batterer, but of reaching out to law enforcement for help.  In other words, when their batterer slams them into the wall and screams “Call police and I’ll have you deported!” they are silenced by fear and uncertainty like never before.

Working with survivors who are physically, sexually, financially and emotionally brutalized- but have not reported the domestic violence to the police is, at times, comparable to spending my day chewing on a mouthful of rocks.  It is no longer feasible for organizations such as PADV to assume that because the woman they are working with is a “survivor” she will receive the help she needs in an emergency.  It is time that we as advocates and community members recognize not only that “no human being deserves to be abused,” but also that “no human being deserves to be labeled as illegal.”  Please join us in our efforts to serve and support all survivors.  Do your part today by contacting our governor at 404-656-1776 to express your concerns surrounding the way an Arizona-type law in Georgia will most certainly hinder immigrant survivors from seeking help.

In solidarity,

Alyse L.

“Until we are all free, we are none of us free”

-Emma Lazarus

For information on types of immigration relief that may be available to some immigrant survivors please see our previous blog from 10/08/2010: http://padvatlanta.wordpress.com/2010/10/08/resources-available-for-undocumented-survivors-of-domestic-violence-under-federal-immigration-law/

For information on the current immigration debate in Georgia, please visit: www.galeo.org

Ludy Green, PhD, president and founder, Second Chance Employment Services

 That’s why it’s paramount to ensure that battered women find and/or retain employment.  Financial independence leads to self-sufficiency that coincides with opportunities, choices and ultimately freedom from an abusive relationship.

Because economic empowerment is a means to ending both poverty and domestic violence, PADV recruited Second Chance Employment Services President and Founder, Ludy Green, PhD, to present at the 10^th annual “When Domestic Violence Goes to Work” conference. Green’s nonprofit organization provides meaningful employment for survivors of intimate partner violence.

Battered women face a number of employment barriers such as increased tardiness and absenteeism, and reduced productivity and performance. According to the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence, an estimated 24-30 percent of abused working women lose their jobs due to their domestic violence situation.

Unless employers are educated on the dynamics of intimate partner violence and learn how to appropriately address it as a workplace issue, more women will find themselves standing in the unemployment line with fewer choices and more barriers to living empowered lives free from domestic violence.

 In the words of Ludy Green, “Economic security is a woman’s best defense against domestic violence.”  I hope you’ll join us on April 28, 2011, at the UPS World Headquarters for “When Domestic Violence Goes to Work” to learn how to give survivors a second chance.

–SBR