Re-thinking What it Will Take to End Intimate Partner Violence: Starting with You and Me

A few weeks ago, I was having a discussion on the dynamics of abuse with a survivor.  Mid-conversation,she stopped me and asked,“Are you sure you’ve never been abused?”

 “Well,no,I mean…” I stammered.  “No,it’s not whether or not I’ve been abused,but the fact that I’m a woman.  I think many women are able to deeply understand the injustices in abusive relationships because we’ve experienced smaller tastes of the same injustice on some level in our own relationships.”  What an “Aha!” moment that was for both of us and one that led to a fruitful discussion.

You see,the thing about patriarchy (broadly defined as control by men of a disproportionately large share of power) is that it does play a role in many women’s lives and relationships.  For instance, many women are in relationships with men who, while they would deny such an accusation, are undoubtedly taking steps to control their partner.  Often, this may masquerade as “taking care of us” and/or “protecting us from harm.”  Other times, it’s more obvious, as when our partner tells us we are a bad wife or girlfriend, and that we should be happy he hasn’t cheated or found someone better.  Most women, I would argue, wouldn’t label these actions as abusive, though many of us might characterize them as warning signs and/or clear ringers that the relationship is not a healthy one.

This is not to say that all men are abusive.  I want to be clear that most men are not.  What most men are taught though is that they should be in control, on some level, of their intimate partner and that this is normal and expected.  It is time that we see the way in which such a belief contributes to a culture where abusive men, despite being the minority, feel they are supported and justified in their actions.

Teaching our youth about healthy relationships and gender-role stereotypes is crucial.  This can be done through modeling healthy relationships for your child as well as having them participate in discussions about what abuse is,warning signs of an abusive relationship,and where to get help.  These are all important topics.  But educating youth about healthy relationships also means tackling some of the stickier issues- like patriarchy- and looking at some of the deeper beliefs in our society about how men and women in relationships “ought” to behave. 

In the support group I help facilitate,one of my favorite sessions is “Change Starts at Home,” because it talks about concrete steps parents can take to ensure that they are providing regular doses of “healthy relationship input” to their children.  This means analyzing gender roles with children and talking about the ways in which patriarchy affects all of us- men and women- in society.   Not until we do this with our children,and not until YOU do this with YOUR children,can we expect to begin to see the deep,societal change and cultural shift that will ultimately end violence against women and make society a safer place for all of us. 

If you’d like guidance on how to start this conversation with your child,or on how to bring this conversation to your child’s school or youth group,please reach out to our Teen Prevention program here at PADV and we’ll be more than happy to help. Ending the crime of intimate partner violence is PADV’s mission,but it undoubtedly begins with you and me.

Best,

Alyse L.

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